Dear Mr Halifax.
I am writing to enquire as to why you feel the need to pay my bills for me. Now, on the face of it, this seems like all kinds of win. However, on closer inspecton, it appears you are paying direct debits for me, and then charging me for not having the money in the account...and then again for going over my overdraft. Now, excuse my ignorance, but if I don't have the money, and you take it anyway, I will, of course, go over my overdraft. So why do I need to be charged twice? How about you don't pay it for me, the DD will bounce, you don't pay anything and I only incur one charge. This, while not ideal, seems a far better idea to me. (Ideal, just so you know, would be a lottery win or an extra £100 on my overdraft. But both you and Camelot appear to be against me. Incidentally, why is this? I'm a nice gal. Honest, Guv.)
Also, while we're on the subject, can you tell me why paying 18p for me costs you £48? I'm sure someone may well be on the fiddle in your expenses department, I would have a word if I were you.
Finally, please stop spending my money on Howard Brown and those silly, overblown adverts, which tell me you'll give me a fiver if I pay you a grand. Not only does that seem disproportionately unfair, but I'm pretty sure that if you'd stopped wasting pennies on Mr Brown et al then Lloyds TSB wouldn't have had to bail you out a few months back.